Not At Home to Ms Broody
by Pjazz
Summary: A chance remark during a game of charades ignites the maternal urge in Grace. While Jack's showbiz connections aren't as solid as he'd hoped.


Not At Home to Ms Broody  
  
A Will & Grace fanfic by Pjazz  
  
2004  
  
NOTE This is set sometime during season 1.  
  
INT. GRACE'S APARTMENT.  
  
WILL AND GRACE ARE COMPETING WITH ROB AND ELLEN IN THEIR CHARADES-TYPE CONTEST.  
  
ROB IS UP. HE'S MIMING A CLOCKWORK ORANGE BY HOLDING HIS FIST OUT AND TURNING A PRETEND KEY.  
  
ELLEN  
  
Adventures in Fisting! Adventures in Fisting Part 2! No? Adventures in Fisting Uncut!  
  
WILL  
  
Time's up.  
  
ROB  
  
Ellen, it was A Clockwork Orange. By Kubrick. Where did you get all that 'Adventures in Fisting' stuff?  
  
ELLEN  
  
I, uh, might glimpsed the titles at the video store.  
  
WILL  
  
Don't they keep all the sick stuff behind the counter?  
  
ELLEN  
  
Yeah, but if you crane your neck...  
  
GRACE  
  
Our turn! Will?  
  
WILL  
  
Never gonna happen...  
  
GRACE  
  
My Best Friend's Wedding!  
  
ELLEN  
  
Wow. 3 seconds. Look's like you win. Again. Surprise, surprise.  
  
WILL  
  
We win!  
  
GRACE  
  
You lose!  
  
WILL  
  
We rule!  
  
GRACE  
  
You suck!  
  
ROB  
  
Grace...  
  
GRACE  
  
We're the kings!  
  
WILL  
  
I'm a big queen!  
  
ELLEN  
  
Will...  
  
WILL  
  
We rock!  
  
GRACE  
  
You...don't rock!  
  
ROB  
  
Will, Grace - really not loving the gloating so much.  
  
GRACE  
  
Awww! Mebbe it's because you're - big fat losers!  
  
WILL  
  
What say we do this again Thursday night?  
  
ELLEN  
  
Much as we love the ritual humiliation, no can do.It's my sister's little boy's birthday. Rob and I have agreed to host the party this year.  
  
WILL  
  
In your tiny apartment? Say, as a consolation for losing --  
  
GRACE  
  
Big fat losing!  
  
WILL --why don't you hold the party at my place? There's plenty of room.  
  
ELLEN  
  
Will, are you sure? This is not Pollyanna we're talking here. I love my nephew dearly, but he's Devil's spawn. Green vomit, head spinning - the whole Exorcist bit.  
  
WILL  
  
I'd love to have kids running about the place. It's not as if it's gonna happen too often.  
  
ROB  
  
Certainly not with Grace as a best friend.  
  
THEY ALL LAUGH - EXCEPT GRACE.  
  
GRACE  
  
Excuse me?  
  
ELLEN  
  
Come on, Gracey. You're hardly the maternal type.  
  
GRACE  
  
Ok, what just happened here? You're all basically calling me a dried up barren old maid.  
  
WILL  
  
Well, hardly maid.  
  
ROB  
  
It's nothing, Grace. Forget it.  
  
GRACE  
  
Ok. Totally forgotten. (BEAT) Seriously, you're implying I'm never having kids?  
  
ELLEN  
  
Let's face it, Grace. You're in your 30s now. No man on the horizon...  
  
GRACE  
  
I have men in my life. Just this morning at the deli some guy was checking out my butt.  
  
WILL  
  
(SINGS) Ding dong, the wedding bells are gonna chime!  
  
ELLEN  
  
Tick tock, Grace. The biological clock's ticking.  
  
ROB  
  
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will you stop tick tocking me! My biological clock is gonna keep right on ticking, as long as it takes. Even I have to stuff myself full of monkey glands at 50. When I meet the right guy my uterus is gonna spit out babies like buckshot out a 12 gauge.  
  
WILL  
  
What a charming mental image.  
  
GRACE  
  
In fact, I'll help Will host your nephew's birthday party. I'll show you. Kids instinctively respond to my maternal side.  
  
WILL  
  
It must be your huge child-bearing hips.  
  
GRACE  
  
Hey, can I help it if I'm a perfect size 4?  
  
WILL  
  
Not if you're actually an imperfect size 8.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE, PLANS LAID OUT BEFORE THEM.  
  
THEY'RE PLANNING THE BIRTHDAY PARTY - VERY SERIOUSLY.  
  
WILL  
  
Item one, catering.  
  
GRACE  
  
All organized. We're using Weinbaum's Party Catering. They did my cousin Ira's barmitzvah.  
  
WILL  
  
Oy vey. I guess hot dogs are off the menu.  
  
GRACE  
  
Item two, origami place settings in the shape of an elephant.  
  
WILL  
  
I still say they look like an improbably endowed fat man playing with himself.  
  
GRACE  
  
Item three, emergency sick bags.  
  
WILL  
  
Airline issue.Pack of 50. Check.  
  
GRACE  
  
Item four, what colour party balloons? Moschino or indigo-azure?  
  
WILL  
  
Moschino or indigo-azure? Don't you mean red or blue?  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, I'm a designer. There is no red or blue.  
  
WILL  
  
Red balloons.  
  
GRACE  
  
Moshino it is. Item five, Ritalin. Do we dose their food or their lemonade?  
  
WILL  
  
Do we have to use personality altering drugs at all? It seems, I don't know - insane.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, I love kids as much as the next person. But I'm damned if a bunch of hyper active brats are going to run riot and ruin my party. I want them docile, preferrably comatose.  
WILL  
  
It just seems...  
  
GRACE  
  
Get over it. Item six, entertainment. Clown or magician?  
  
WILL  
  
How about instead I sit in a chair in the centre of the room, the kids all sit cross-legged around me, listening enthralled as I read extracts from 'Wind in the Willows'.  
  
GRACE  
  
Sounds great.  
  
WILL  
  
Really?  
  
GRACE  
  
Sure - in Victorian London!  
  
WILL  
  
What's wrong with reading? Kenneth Graham's 'Wind in the Willows' is a classic children's novel.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, my big gay doozer head friend, this is the X-Box generation. They don't read. They're not interested in dumb old Mr Toad.  
  
WILL  
  
Oh so a hedgehog called Sonic who spins on his spiny little ass is fine, but a talking toad is beyond them?  
  
GRACE  
  
Exactly.  
  
WILL  
  
C'mon, Grace, can't you picture the scene? The children in a tight circle facing me in my smoking jacket, reading ---  
  
GRACE  
  
Since when d'you own a smoking jacket?  
  
WILL  
  
I could rent one.  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh please, Noel Coward, get real. Clown or magician?  
  
WILL  
  
(SULKS) Don't care.  
  
GRACE  
  
(SIGHS) Remind me to include you a dose of Ritalin.  
  
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.  
  
GRACE AND KAREN.  
  
GRACE IS ON THE PHONE.  
  
GRACE  
  
Yes, I'd like to order 100 moschino balloons. (BEAT) Moschino. Yes, it's a word. (BEAT) It is too a word. (BEAT) Listen, can I speak to someone more senior, someone more...intelligent. (BEAT) You're the president of the company? And you don't know what moschino means? (BEAT) No, I didn't make the word up. (SIGHS) Do you have any red balloons? 100. (BEAT) I did say so in the first place! (HANGS UP) Ignoramous!  
  
KAREN  
  
Throwing a party, hon? Having a little shindig? A chance to kick out the jams, let your hair down and party hardie?  
  
GRACE  
  
IT's a kids birthday party, Karen, not a 60s head shop. What are you doing over there?  
  
KAREN  
  
I'm counting my happy pills, hon. Sometimes just counting them gives me a happy. I've blue pills, white pills, yellow pills - even moschino pills. Oh, I just made a funny! Have to write that down in my little moschino book.  
  
JACK ENTERS. VERY HYPER.  
  
JACK  
  
Omigodomigodomigodomigod. O-MI-GOD!!!  
  
KAREN  
  
What is it, honey? Did the Pope come out of the closet?  
  
JACK  
  
I was in Ralph Lauren's checking out the new Polo collection. - By the way, cashmere to die for - When who should walk in the door? James Van der Beek!  
  
KAREN  
  
The hottie from 'The Creek'!  
  
JACK  
  
Exacti-mundi-mundo! The Beek from the Creek. The Bee from the Cee. The hottie with the lottie.  
  
KAREN  
  
What'd you do, hon? Did you hop on board and ride him like a wild stallion?  
  
JACK  
  
Not quite.  
  
KAREN  
  
Did you grab him by the scruff of the neck, mount him bare back and kick your heels in his sides till he yelped like a girl?  
  
JACK  
  
Karen...  
  
KAREN  
  
Did you ride him at full gallop until you were both drenched in sweat and popped like warm champagne?  
  
JACK  
  
Jesus, Karen. Will you let me finish?  
  
KAREN  
  
No, you let me finish. Oh! Oh! Oh! OHHHHHHH! All done. Your turn.  
  
JACK  
  
I didn't want to appear an easy sell. So I played it cool. I threw myself at his feet and yelled 'Take me, James Van der Beek! I'm yours!'  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh that was playing it cool alright.  
  
KAREN  
  
What happened next? Did he ride you like a wild stall---  
  
GRACE  
  
Please, Karen. Stop. I beg you.  
  
JACK  
  
Security picked me up and threw me out on the street. But I was this close to doing James van der Beek.  
  
GRACE  
  
How was that close? You made a fool of yourself and got slung out.  
  
KAREN  
  
Oh please, Grace. It was closer to sex than you've managed in a month.  
  
GRACE  
  
I've had my moments. There was Jeff, from Forest Hills.  
  
KAREN  
  
Please. He was a total loser. He even wore shorts to work.  
  
GRACE  
  
Karen, he was a professional tennis player. Of course he wore shorts to work.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
JACK ENTERS, EXCITED.  
  
JACK  
  
You'll never guess what!  
  
WILL  
  
You're a married man with 2 children living in Yonkers. This whole gay thing has been a sham.  
  
JACK  
  
Oh hardy har har. I was in the theatre rehersing 'Just Jac-que.'  
  
WILL  
  
'Just Jac-que?'  
  
JACK  
  
I changed it from 'Just Jack'. I'm thinking global now. The french market is very big for gay men.  
  
WILL  
  
Ah yes. The entent cordiale. Vive la difference, Monsieur Fruit.Plus the Eiffel Tower. I mean how phallic is that?  
  
JACK  
  
Who should walk in the theatre? The Spice Girls!  
  
WILL  
  
Ginger, Scarey, Posh, Sporty and the one no one can remember?  
  
JACK  
  
The one and onlies. They were rehersing for their tour. But here's the best part. They were heading uptown. So was I. They were taking a limo. So was I.  
  
WILL  
  
Jack, a Checker cab doesn't count as a limo.  
  
JACK  
  
So we shared. Then Geri - Ginger spice - needed to pee. I suggested your place.  
  
WILL  
  
Ah yes, Will Truman's apartment. That well known New York pissoir.  
  
JACK  
  
They're on their way up right now!  
  
DOOR OPENS. SPICE GIRLS ENTER.  
  
JACK  
  
Girls, welcome to my humble abode.  
  
WILL  
  
Your humble abode?  
  
WILL  
  
This is Will. He's a civilian, not in the biz like us.  
  
POSH  
  
Nice flat. You've got some really nice objects d'art.  
  
WILL  
  
Thank you, er, Posh.  
  
POSH  
  
Call me Victoria.  
  
SCAREY  
  
Here, Mel. Take a butchers at this picture. It's a bloke with no kecks on. You can see his willy.  
  
GERI  
  
Where's the bog?  
  
WILL  
  
Bog? You mean the Everglades? Well, you take the Interstate--  
  
GERI  
  
The loo.  
  
WILL  
  
Lou Grant? Lou Gehring? Lou Ferrigno?  
  
GERI  
  
The toilet, silly. I need to widdle.  
  
WILL  
  
On the right.  
  
GERI EXITS  
  
WILL  
  
Bog. Widdle. What charming English expressions. I must remember them next time I lunch at Buck palace.  
  
DOOR OPENS. GRACE AND KAREN ENTER.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, am I dreaming? The Spice girls appear to be in your apartment.  
  
KAREN  
  
Oh honey, I hallucinate stuff like this all the time. Usually there's white elephants and flying dwarves. Later Jackie Onassis appears in blood-stained Chanel and and whips me with dollar bills.  
  
POSH SPICE AND KAREN STARE AT EACH OTHER.  
  
BOTH ARE IN IDENTICAL PENCIL SKIRTS AND FENDI BLOUSES, FERAGAMO SLINGBACKS AND ALICE BANDS HOLD THEIR HAIR BACK.  
  
KAREN  
  
You know, honey, I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I like you.  
  
GERI ENTERS  
  
GERI  
  
Ta, Will. I was bursting. Nice touch the seat being down.  
  
JACK  
  
That was me! That was me!  
  
SCAREY  
  
(TO GRACE) Wow! I think you're the best I've seen.  
  
GRACE  
  
Excuse me?  
  
SCAREY  
  
The hair. The make up. If you got implants you'd be the best drag act ever.  
  
SPICE GIRLS EXIT  
  
GRACE  
  
Whoa! What just happened here?  
  
WILL  
  
Scarey spice appears to think you're a man dressed as a woman.  
  
JACK  
  
Grace is a man? You know, I always thought there was something odd about him.  
  
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.  
  
GRACE AND KAREN AND JACK  
  
PHONE RINGS.  
  
GRACE  
  
Aren't you going to answer that?  
  
KAREN  
  
Answer what, honey?  
  
GRACE PICKS UP PHONE  
  
GRACE  
  
Grace Adler Design. Grace Adler speaking. (BEAT) What? You're cancelling? But where am I going to find another magician? Well I'm sorry, but that's very unprofessional. (HANGS UP)  
  
That was the party magician. He's in hospital. Apparently the doves he keeps stuffed down his pants turned feral. They pecked his pecker.  
  
JACK  
  
Ouch!  
  
GRACE  
  
So I've got no entertainment booked.  
  
JACK  
  
Omigod! I just had an amazing idea. I'll ring my good friends the Spice Girls. They can sing at the party.  
  
GRACE  
  
Jack, that'd be great! That'd really show Rob and Ellen what a great mother I'd make.  
  
JACK  
  
No problemo. Leave it to Jack.  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, I don't know why you're bothering. When Stan's kids have a birthday I order a crate of Stolly and Rosario does her Gloria Estefan impression.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
WILL, GRACE, ROB AND ELLEN.  
  
THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING.  
  
ELLEN  
  
Grace, any sign of the Spice Girls? Little Alfie says if they're not here soon he'll pee his pants. It's not an idle threat. Believe me.  
  
GRACE  
  
Any minute, Ellen. I'm sure Jack's got it all under control.  
  
WILL  
  
You really think Jack's gonna deliver? This is Jack, Grace. Mr Unreliable.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, if Jack lets me down he's going straight from gay man to transvestite - without anaesthetic.  
  
DOOR OPENS. KAREN ENTERS.  
  
GRACE Karen? What are you doing here? You hate kids parties. You hate kids.  
  
KAREN  
  
I know, hon. But I had to support my dearest, closest friend.  
  
GRACE  
  
Why, Karen, that's so sweet of---- Wait a second. You heard I was handing out Ritalin, didn't you? You're here to score the kids stash.  
  
KAREN  
  
Why, Grace, I'm hurt. Oh the hell with it. That's right. I'm here for the connection. Waiting for the Man, my ass.  
  
DOOR OPENS. JACK ENTERS. ALONE.  
  
GRACE  
  
Jack, where are the Spice Girls?  
  
JACK  
  
Slight problemo. They're not coming.  
  
WILL  
  
Oh the surprise. The shock.  
  
JACK  
  
Sporty spice had another tattoo. It turned septic. And the others went shopping.  
  
GRACE  
  
Those British bitches! That's the last time I pretend to like their records.  
  
ROB  
  
Don't mean to worry you, but now all the kids say they're gonna pee their pants if the Spice Girls aren't here soon.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, you know what this means?  
  
WILL  
  
Dozen kids peeing their pants? I think so. I'll get the mops.  
  
GRACE  
  
No. I can't even organise a childrens party. What kind of terrible mother would I make? Perhaps it's just as well I don't have kids.  
  
JACK  
  
Grace, we are not at home to Ms Broody. I've got an idea. Why don't we pretend to be the Spice Girls?  
  
WILL  
  
What?  
  
JACK  
  
I'll be Sporty. Will, you're Scarey. Grace, Ginger - naturally. And Karen, Posh.We'll mime to the CD.  
  
GRACE  
  
Jack, that is the most terribe---  
  
ELLEN  
  
Alfie! Look at the mess you made!  
  
GRACE  
  
--lly good idea. Let's get changed.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
LATER.  
  
THE SHOW'S OVER. WILL, GRACE, JACK AND KAREN FINISH MIMING THE LAST SONG. THE KIDS CHEER.  
  
ELLEN  
  
Right. Who wants jelly?  
  
KIDS  
  
Me!  
  
GRACE (WEARING BASQUE TOP ETC.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.  
  
WILL  
  
(BLACKED UP) I'll second that.  
  
KAREN  
  
(DRESSED AS NORMAL) Did someone say who wants Ritalin? Me! Me!  
  
JACK  
  
(IN SPORTS BRA) Well, I thought that went well. Admittedly the choreography wasn't quite up to my usual standards. But that's working with amateurs for you.  
  
GRACE  
  
Went well? Jack, my basque top fell down during 'When 2 become 1'. I exposed myself to everyone. It was so humiliating.  
  
WILL  
  
Especially when little Alfie yelled - 'Hey, no boobies. She's a man.'  
  
GRACE  
  
First Scarey spice, now Little Alfie. I am so getting cosmetic surgery.  
  
WILL  
  
But look at their happy faces, Grace. You did it. The party was a success. You'd make a terrific mom.  
  
GRACE  
  
You really think so? Oh Will. Thank you.  
  
THEY HUG  
  
KAREN  
  
Hold it right there, kids. I'm Federal agent Bigrack, FBI. This is a bust. Hand over all your drugs - now! (HOISTS BREASTS) These are loaded weapons. And I'm not afraid to use 'em.  
  
INT. PARTY.  
  
WILL IS SEATED ON A STOOL READING FROM 'WIND IN THE WILLOWS'. HE'S WEARING A VELVET SMOKING JACKET. THE KIDS ARE SAT CROSS-LEGGED LISTENING TO HIM READ.  
  
WILL  
  
"The Mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring cleaning his little home. First with brooms, then dusters, then on ladders and steps and chairs, with a brush and a pail of whitewash, till he had dust in his throat and eyes, and splashes of whitewash all over his black fur, and an aching back with weary arms..."  
  
CAMERA PANS OVER THE UPTURNED FACES OF THE ENTHRALLED KIDS UNTIL IT REACHES GRACE, KAREN AND JACK, WHO ARE SLUMPED AGAINST EACH OTHER, FAST ASLEEP.  
  
THE END  
  
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End file.
